I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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