I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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