dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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