Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
