Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
