i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
