how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Shitshow foam night was such a success
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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