I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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