he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
