the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
