Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
