im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
