I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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