I think I am morally bankrupt
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
COCAINE IS GR8
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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