I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize