plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
i think i just lost a toe
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
