Did you just see the Batmobile???
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
