yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
