oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
