Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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