Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize