Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
