I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
