I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
