I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize