i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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