shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
