dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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