Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
