Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
