it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
We just shotgunned beers for America
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
