I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
