Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
