I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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