did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
