hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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