Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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