i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize