She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
