I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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