i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
