I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Randomize