Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
