He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
