i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
