If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
