I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Randomize
