im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
