laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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