My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
