ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
