how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
