Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
