i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
