I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
