she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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