I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
